Debbie Downer.

Looking back at the last few things I posted, I couldn't help but notice how negative a lot of them are.

I don't want to only post when I'm being a Negative Nancy. Maybe writing a blog post whenever I was stressed out was an outlet for me, but still. I don't want to be like that.

I realized today in hindsight that I have had a weird couple of months. Not particularly "bad" or "dark" or "depressing," just weird. Weird and stressed. Not my best. But I guess that's normal, yeah? I've never really had anything more than "a bad week" or maybe a rare "bad month." So to go a few months in a row with a lot of stress and negativity was unfamiliar to me. It was even scary at times. To be honest, I really think the awful weather has had something to do with it. I am a human that needs sunshine.

I'm happy to report that I have pretty much pulled myself out of whatever funk I fell into. There is a light at the end of the tunnel as far as work goes, I have been taking more time to relax, and I was really productive today. I am even running again (I signed up for a half-marathon in August) and got up to 6 miles today for the first time since...I can't even remember. I'm reading for pleasure again too. I usually am only able to do that in the summertime, but I have been making time for it and I forgot how much I really do love to read. (I mean, I preach every single day to my kids about the importance of reading. I figured I should take my own advice).

Basically, I'm just taking better care of myself.

It sounds cheesy, but having a positive attitude changes everything. It truly does.

I guess I just wanted to write to make sure everyone doesn't think I'm a total downer these days. If only this sun would start shining, then I'll be back to normal....

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

It's no secret that my motivation is dissipating at an alarming rate.

End-of-year testing is coming up (hello, pressure.), kids are acting crazy and naughty, the weather is toying with my emotions.

I don't know a more elegant way to phrase thefact that

I'M O-V-E-R IT.

All of it, everything.

Anything that requires me to use 50% or more of my brain power, I don'twanna.

At this point I'm literally just waiting for the daysto pass by, one by one. My traveling gene is beginning to itch. I'll be able to start scratching it soon.

At the end of the month I'll get to be here (first time for me since I've been 21 or older!)

In May I'll be here (another first for me)

And in July I'll be gallivanting around these parts

I just pray for the strength and sanity to last till then.

Yes please.

Because I am in love with them . Enjoy.

After that, watch this other one.

chill pill

"Type-A personality traits--the theory describes a Type A individual as ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, and tightly-wound. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence."

I've always known I'm classified as Type A. I was also always the color red whenever we took color-personality tests in psychology classes. I know this; I accepted it long ago.

But lately, it's been really rearing its ugly head.

I had a minor mental breakdown (understatement) about two weeks ago at home. The kind where I started thinking about all the things I'm specifically concerned/stressed about and the list just went on and on and on.....Tears were out of control. Sobbing. I had the ugly cry--you know, the one where you can't breathe or get the words out. "I (gasp)...I (gasp).....I (gasp gasp gasp)...."

It was shocking and scary to actually acknowledge just how truly stressed out I was about lots of things. There was a variety of things causing me stress, but the majority of the stressors were work related--in a nutshell, I feel like I completely over-work myself at a pretty thankless job. I get frustrated when I don't see the fruits of my labor. And I think that I was too scared to admit that I'd been having a hard time dealing with all the extremely high expectations set for me by both the school district and myself.

I am my own worst critic. I am entirely too hard on myself.

So, I'm trying really hard to turn over a new leaf. I know I can't shed my Type A shell and transform into Type B overnight, or ever. But I am consciously trying to be easier on myself, breathe, and relax. It's a little hard for me; I'm not very good at that. I have to consciously fend off the feeling of always needing to be productive and adding more things to the mental to-do list.

Yesterday, instead of holing myself up in the library to grade papers, enter grades, and plan the school week, I went running in the park, took a nap, watched some TV, curled my hair, went to a game night, and played with my friends and laughed all night long.

Accomplished zero schoolwork.

It was incredible.

THAT is how I should be spending my Saturdays.

In the last week or two since I've started making better decisions for myself, I can already feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.

It's an interesting thing, learning to be easier on oneself.

Lightening up.

Learning to chill out.

Do only one task at a time.

I'm over being soType A, I want to see what it's like on the other side for a change.

Counting sheep.

I tried to put up a picture for this post to describe my current struggle, but when I Google-Imaged "insomniac" the most terrifying images popped up. No thanks.

But seriously, I can't sleep. For the last month or so I've had the most difficult time trying to slip into unconsciousness. I just have so. many. thoughts. going through my head. It's really frustrating because I'll be sleepy and crawl into bed around 10:00 and realize it's 12:30 and I'm still not asleep.

My thoughts aren't particularly stressful or racing. They're just there. The human brain has an incredible capacity for useless pieces of information.

My thoughts will range from calculating money and paychecks to summer plans to a random scene from the last Sex and the City episode I watched. It's driving me nuts.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I've decided to give up TV shows for Lent. It doesn't start till March 9th, but I'm thinking ahead. I hate how much TV I watch--and I don't even have a TV. I watch it all online. I think it's rotting my brain a little and I feel guilty for not reading more. So I'll be trading in TV for books, which will be good for me. Any suggestions?

Welp. It's a sleeping pill and "meditation" tea for dinner for me. :) Wish me luck and sweet dreams....actually, I hope I sleep hard enough that I completely surpass the dream state. I want pure, sweet, dark, unconsciousness.

Dummm, dummm dee-dumm.....dummm, DUMMM dee-dum....

Yeah it's a little overdue, but better late than never, eh?

Big fat news: My seester got engaged about a week ago. I'm very happy for her, although it's a strange happiness I've never experienced before. It's totally foreign to me. See, I've had many (MANY) a friend/acquaintance/roommate/former classmate get engaged and it's always been exciting, but not this kind. This is a different flavor of excitement. My sister is the first one in our generation of cousins and everyone to be engaged. The first of my own flesh and blood. It's crazy, and I feel as though I've entered this whole new realm of excitement, happiness, and even some clarity--kinda like, "Ooohh! NOW I get why everyone was so excited about all those other engagements in the past..." When you're family-close with someone it's a totally different level.

It still feels weird to say my sister is getting married. I represent 25% of the bridesmaids, and I have no doubt my Type A personality will come roaring through, taking over things and helping with the planning. Plus I have the most experience as a wedding-attendee. (Let's be honest, I've seen enough weddings to know what looks tacky).

It must be a strange feeling to know you're with the person you're going to have a family with. I can't imagine the amount of clarity I'll have when I get engaged myself someday.

I'm thrilled that I'll get to be an aunt before I have to be a parent. I love the idea of having little nieces and nephews that I can just have fun and play with and hand back to their mom and dad when they get cranky. But let's not get too ahead of ourselves.

I'd like to take some responsibility in the happy couple finding one another. Although they randomly met years ago when he interviewed her for a job in Salt Lake (long story short, she didn't end up moving down), they REALLY met at my Halloween party in 2009. Who would've thought the gypsy (Anna) would've fallen in love with the man wearing an inflatable sumo suit with a hot pink tank top and metallic gold skirt (Nik)? Sigh. So romantic. A match made in heaven.

Congratulations guys, I can't wait for the wedding!

greener grass.

Why is it that, after living a few years in one place, I find every city other than my own so appealing?

Lately I've been thinking about where I'll be in the next few years. I'm not sure how many more years I see myself staying here in the good old SLC.

Not to say that I don't like it here. At this very moment, I still like Salt Lake very much. I've grown quite comfortable here and enjoy a lot about it. It's been a great two years to say the least.

But I know myself, and I know that I'm likely to grow antsy after 3-4 years of staying in one place.

In all honesty, I've totally been getting ahead of myself and looking a bit too far into my own future. I acknowledge that I have a fear of getting to the end of my life (or maybe even just the middle of my life) and realizing that I didn't take enough risks or have enough adventures. I just don't really like the thought of settling down permanently in Salt Lake City knowing that I never left to really live on my own somewhere else.

I know I've done the nanny thing (which has been amazing for me) and it's given me a little taste of living other places in the country. But it's very temporary, and it's not me living on my own. It's me living in someone else's house.

I wouldn't mind coming back and settling in SLC whenever I decide to start a family because it's really important to me that my future hypothetical children are close to their family and know their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

But it just makes me think how now (not "now" as in right this minute, but "now" as in the next few years) would be a great time to try living somewhere else for a change. No kids, no mortgage.

I won't lie, I just Googled the best cities for young professionals. (Coincidentally, Salt Lake City made it onto a few lists. It was referenced as a "cheaper version of Denver"). But the same city that keeps popping up on every list is Austin, Texas.

I never used to consider moving anywhere in the south, but from what I've read, it sounds kind of great. It's a young city with a relatively low cost of living. They are known for their amazing live music and nightlife. I may or may not have peeked at what an elementary teacher's average salary is.......if I moved there today, I'd make the amount equivalent to what I'll make when I've taught for 9 years in Utah.

Just something to think about, I guess.