Adventurous REM cycling.

Last night I dreamed that I was getting married, but it wasn't clear as to who. I was wearing Lyndsay's wedding dress, and all the reception stuff being set up was from Kayleigh's wedding. I remember thinking, "When did I get engaged? I don't remember planning any of this."

Then it started raining and the ground got all soggy, so I went walking around on campus (in the wedding dress). I saw Holly who pointed out the fact that I was pregnant. I looked down, and sure enough, there was my big pregnant belly. Huh. Weird.

Wandered back to where the outdoor wedding was supposed to take place, where my friend Brandon from MD had driven all the way across the country to see me get married (to the mystery man). The whole wedding was supposed to take place at 1:00, but it was already 2:00 and someone told me the whole thing was called off. I saw people start taking down all the decorations and packing up to leave. I don't think I felt particularly disappointed, I was just confused the whole time.

That's all.

A good chuckle.

I went home recently to take care of a few things and while I was hanging out at home for a bit, I was rummaging through my old room. I came across an old journal that I wrote in sporadically throughout college. I found a section that obviously covered kind of a hard time in my life. It included some really sad entries, emotionally-charged entries, confused entries, even a few self-loathing entries. I know it sounds awful, but it happened so I wrote about it. Some of the entries I vividly remember writing and some I completely forgot about. Either way, it was a bit of a flashback.

And here's the important part--I found myself laughing out loud as I read. I was reading some really sad things I wrote that, at the time, were really painful, and here I sat years later laughing at some of it. Not that I thought any of it was particularly humorous. I don't really know why I laughed. Maybe because I'm just so far past it, and it doesn't phase me anymore. Maybe because I was more immature about things back then. Maybe because I'm just happy now. I don't know. But it felt good.

It was a really good reminder for me. I'm reminded that I might have times where I feel like my world is crumbling around me, but that further down the road I will probably be laughing about it.  If that doesn't give me a big fat sense of hope, I don't know what does. 

Two completely different thoughts.

Thought number one:

Earlier this evening, I dragged myself to put on my running gear and promised myself it would only be a short run, I just HAD to do something to feel active and healthy. When I stepped outside, the sun was setting and it began raining. My initial thought was, "Damn it. Rain? Seriously?" But it was too late. I already had my running shoes on. No turning back.

I started running and about a block and a half in, I was slammed with nostalgia. Having run all through high school, I was flooded with all kinds of memories from this time of year. Something about running outside in October while it was raining totally took me back to a time when I was a dedicated runner. When I was 15 pounds lighter and 5 years more innocent and naive. When I was a lot more carefree and annoying. When I thought I was on top of the world because I was a senior. When I was capable of running a consistent 7-minute mile (ha! Imagine.) When I had a lot more motivation. I still have a lot of motivation, I think it's just channeled in a different direction these days. I have more motivation for spending time with the people I truly enjoy and motivation for my job, rather than for beating my own times at races and practices.

Anyway, I just really loved it. I felt like I was completely surrounded by adjectives. The grey sky contrasted with the orange glow of the streetlights. The insane beauty of the multi-colored trees lining the streets. The way the air just felt super clean and crisp. It made me smile when my baby hairs were slicked against my forehead by sweat and raindrops. With Rhianna in my ears ("Umbrella" was all too appropriate) I conquered the next twenty blocks.

It made me feel closer to God and to nature.

It was a very good run.

Thought number two:

I really, REALLY like my job. I know I try not to post about it too much, but it's just been on my mind lately. I think it's because I'm relieved. I was worried my first two or three weeks, I'm not going to lie. I wasn't sure if I loved my job as much as I'd expected to. I was stressed out and overwhelmed.

But now that I've gotten a few more weeks under my belt, my routines are totally consistent, I'm learning how to plan faster, and I feel like I finally have a good handle on things, it has really sunk in to me that I do, in fact, love my job. Not just the job, the kids. I always knew I liked kids. But I LOVE my students. Probably in part because they are "mine." They will never have another third grade teacher (well...unless they move. But hypothetically speaking.) and to me that is so special.

I love that they make me drawings and bring me bouquets of weeds from recess because they think they're flowers.

I love when they write me notes or accidentally call me "Mom."

I love when they know the answer to problems or know concepts that I've taught them.

I love that I can sing a song for them and they have no idea how off-key I am.

I love that they find such a thrill in throwing the yellow leaves up in the air and at each other for the entire recess time.

Children really are fantastic. Like I said, I knew I always liked kids before, but I am truly amazed at some of them.

I'm just a happy girl.

The end.

Lonely.

I'm bummed.

I'm sitting here.

Everyone else is here.

I'm a lone wolf all weekend. With the right amount of motivation, I might actually be really productive. 

Sigh.

Just me and Mel.

I'll probably just watch this a few more times, because I can't stop laughing at it.

In the air.

I love October. Love love love. It's time to put on a scarf and my boots. I'm determined to do all the Halloweeny/autumny things this year: haunted houses, carving pumpkins, hot chocolate, corn mazes, candy corn, etc. Last year I don't feel like I did anything besides go to the big Halloween party on campus. Last night we broke in the season by going to Nightmare on 13th which was pretty spooky. It's funny to me that we pay money to feel anxious and stressed out. It's not so much the scary costumes or masks that get me, I think it's the invasion of personal space by the creeps that work there. I don't like feeling that my "bubble" is not keeping intruders out. But I guess that's the point, right? To go and get scared and hold tightly to the people in front of you.

So far, so good.

I do it. Do you?

It's funny how the smallest courteous gestures can make one feel a little better about what they're doing. Especially when it comes to traffic/driving. Like when I want to turn, and the pedestrian in the crosswalk puts a little extra spring in her step so that we can speed things along. Or when, at a four-way stop, I wave for someone to take their turn and go, and they wave back. Or when cars coming toward me flash their lights as a warning that there's a cop or speed-tracker coming up.  

You know when you're sitting in traffic and it's all slowed down because somewhere far ahead a lane is closing? And people are sloooowly merging over into your lane? And out of the kindness of your heart, you let them in ahead of you? (Unlike other Utah drivers who ride the bumper of the person in front of them, refusing to let anyone get in front of them).

The whole situation is pretty aggravating and annoying, but it is always made better when the person that you let in gives that whimsical little wave--the Wave of Appreciation. When I see the Wave of Appreciation, I wave back and smile, glad to be acknowledged for my small good deed. 

Yesterday, there was some construction on the way home from work. People were having to merge over and it was getting pretty backed up. I let three -- THREE -- different cars go ahead of me at different times I didn't get a single Wave of Appreciation. I was so pissed. How hard is it to wave?? Seriously. THEY are the jackasses that rode in the left lane all the way until it was cut off.  I certainly didn't have to let you over. I could've been like everyone else and leave you stranded in the left lane looking stupid and laugh at your situation. But no, I took it upon myself to do a small act of kindness and I didn't get the simple gesture of gratitude.

Next time someone lets you over, give the Wave of Appreciation. 

I need new material.

I am really trying to make it a point to keep my work life separate from my home life (which I'm already struggling with because the second I come home, I rehash all the day's 3rd grade tales to my roommates). So I don't want to turn my blog into post after post about my job, because that's annoying.  Unfortunately, my job has completely consumed my life. I get up at 6:30 in the a.m.  to get to the school by 7:45 so I can make copies, get things prepared, etc. Then I stay after the kids leave, usually until about 5:30. Then I come home, eat something, talk to the roomies, and plan a little more. Time for bed, then back up again in the morning.  C'est la vie. 

Since my job is all-consuming, and always on my mind, I am going to write one big post about it just to get it out of my system.

Things on my mind:

*I've always been warned that the first year teaching will be the hardest, and they were right. I am literally planning day-by-day and making worksheets and games and activities for the first time. I already can't wait for my second year, because I'll already have this stuff ready.

*Parent-teacher conferences are weird. Usually the parents who desperately need to come so we can discuss their child's performance in school are the ones that don't show up. I used to be scared of parents (and still am, a little) but I realized the importance of having their support when it comes to teaching their child.

*The term "teacher" encompasses many other professions as well. I am a nurse who puts band-aids on scraped knees. I am a detective who can decipher bad handwriting and identify papers with no names on them. I am a mail carrier who makes sure papers and letters are sent home with students. I am a game-show host who knows all the answers and keeps track of team points--among many others.

*Having the support of other teachers is priceless. I could not keep my head above water if I didn't have the help of my team.

*As if spending 6 and a half hours with these students, 5 days a week wasn't enough--I have dreams about school and the kids several nights a week.

*I don't eat lunch. I only get 30 minutes for lunch and there's always something to be done. I can usually squeeze in an apple and maybe a granola bar.

*It is an insane amount of work to create lessons that take up 6 hours a day, THEN to create a second set of completely different lessons for the same 6 hours for the kids that are so far below grade level and can't do the first set of lessons I've prepared. 

*I love "share time." I didn't realize 3rd graders have SO MANY STORIES they want to tell me all day long. So I designated the 15 minutes after lunch as "share time." Stories range from dads that have been bitten by snakes, to getting tonsils out, to little siblings' birthday parties. If only they knew how lucky they are to be in that innocent, naive stage where these are the things that are on their minds each day.

*A lot of my kids have been through more stuff at the age of 8 than I've ever been through at the age of 22.

*I refuse to respond to "teacher." My name is Miss Pawlowich. A ton of them call me Mrs., but I'll take that over "teacher" any day.

*One of my little boys made me a beaded bracelet and I wear it every day.

That's better. I promise I won't write all about the stresses of my job every time. I wish I had something a little more exciting going on! I'm not dating, engaged, or pregnant. I haven't gone on any major trips lately or gotten a new pet. I have little free time, so hopefully I can do some adventurous things worth writing about. :)  Bear with me.